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After a relaxing dinner with his wife, a couple retired to their hotel room beds. He couldn't sleep so he called over to his wife "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." The wife gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. She trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The wife gets up, enters the man's bed and the two have passionate sex.
Afterwards the wife rolls out but as she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says "Clumsy bitch."


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A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks. The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

"How?" she asks.

"Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs."

"Well how long does it take?" she asks.

"They should expand over the years," he answers.

"How did you know that?" she wonders.

"I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it."


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A husband came home drunk one day and went to his bedroom to meet his wife
He slipped into bed and before he closed his eyes ...he gazed down and saw 6 feet in bed..
Angry and supprised he clamoured "Aye woman..how come i seeing 6 feet when it suppose to have 4...eh what shit going on here..I go chop some one eh"
The wife said to him "Honey calm down..you so drunk you cannot count...there are only 4 feet in th bed..get up and count again"
So the irrated husband steups and get up and began to count how many feet he seeing in bed...1.2.3.4..
He replied "sorry darlin" and went back in bed to sleep.......

The moral being ..when drunk..and you see 6 feet in bed..stay in bed and count it...or else yuh wife Horning yuh!!! and yuh getting Butt all side


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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."


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Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That
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On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army
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On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.

The Army is still looking for him


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A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy he's hired, then informs him, "The hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that.


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One evening a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar in order to catch potential drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a man come stumbling out of the bar, sway across the street and try his keys on five different cars before he found his own. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off.

Finally the man started his engine and began to drive off. The police officer, waiting for the man the whole time, stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how this was possible. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


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Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head
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Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the
first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick
breath... then ploop!...back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?


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Carmen

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself", she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."


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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and
clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"


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The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF
THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his
wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I
want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my
word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are
going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

His wife replied,

"The f****** funeral director would be my guess?!"


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Can someone tell me what the weather is like.
Is it cold out there?

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A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."


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Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow up between them. One turns to the other and says, "It that a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell.
When a woodpecker lands on the small tree, the first big tree says, "Woodpecker, you're the tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,


"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, gentlemen, is the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in."


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FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome and strong
A man who will listen carefully and long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who will call and won't wait for weeks.
I want a man who is gainfully employed
And when I spend his money, won't be annoyed.
A man who holds my arm as he opens the door
And massages my neck as he asks to do more.
I guess what I want is a man who loves to the end
A man who will always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store, a bowling alley, a big fishing boat, and a golf course.
I know that doesn't rhyme, but I don't give a shit.


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A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel.

He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!


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Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"


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Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."


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Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill:

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built..

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligator."


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