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Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here."
The man says, "How do you know?"
Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."
The man says, "What's the nail for?"
Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."


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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied ... "The balcony."


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This farmer would go out on his tractor and while he was working the fields and bouncing around for awhile he would get horny but it was a long ways back on his tractor to the house where his wife was.

So he came up with this plan.He told his wife he would take his rifle with him and next time he got horny he would fire a shot and she could drive the pickup truck out to where he was.

So thats what they did and it worked quite well.

One day a neighbor was over having coffee.

"I haven't seen your wife around for quite a while," he said.

"Me neither" said the farmer,"Not since hunting season started!"


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This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without
a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!


1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and see if this applies to you


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A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.


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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"


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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a

very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely

think before she speaks.



What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true

story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was

supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and

asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too


Sting ..have you ever work as a weatherman ???

they were laughing so hard


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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
"Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."


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My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."


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Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, 'Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?'
'None,' he says 'if ones shot the others would fly away.'
'Actually', said the teacher 'the answer was two, but I like the way you think.'
The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, 'Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?'
'Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?', the teacher asks.

'Actually' said Timmy 'it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think.'


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A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher


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Girl Who Screws Anyone

A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a very attractive, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. "Hi there, Good Looking. How's it going?" he asked.
The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of
college, and I just love it!"
"No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

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Fast Escape Excuse
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her bac


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